I skateboard, and like most skateboarders, I have a mean shoe fetish. In my wildest of dreams, every square inch of space under my bed is carpeted with footwear. In turning this dream into a reality, I have transformed myself into “The Shoewhorse.” Part shoe whore, part shoe horse, I pimp my limited talents out in a vain effort to get free footwear.

Horse in the city!

Clop clop clop clop clop clop clop. Clop clop clop clop. Clop Clop, clop clop clop clop clop clop. Clop Clop! Clop clop clop clop clop clop clop.Clop clop clop, clop clop clop clop. Clop clop clop. Clop clop clop clop. Clop clop clop clop clop clop clop, clop clop clop clop clop clop clop!

Mandy’s Pretty Pony was a gift from her father on Mandy’s eighth birthday. Mandy loved her pretty pony. She rode him every day and brushed his silky mane every night. Such was Mandy’s Pretty Pony’s life for a full year until, on Mandy’s ninth birthday, her father bought her a Manatee. As Mandy’s attentions were consumed by the intensive care and feeding of a freshwater mammal, Mandy’s Pretty Pony fell ill and nearly died of a broken heart. Miraculously, he was able to heal his wounded soul after watching Hidaglo on DVD. The movie allowed Mandy’s Pretty Pony to realize that horses (and ponies) are stronger than people. Mandy’s Pretty Pony didn’t need Mandy’s frivolous, pink ass anymore and he promptly fled the estate. Two weeks–and a lot of roadside highway grass–later Mandy’s Pretty Pony arrived on our doorstep.